You noticed changes in your parent over the holidays
Thanksgiving is often the first long visit in months, and it shows what a weekly phone call hides: the fridge, the mail, the way she gets out of a chair. Most families come home with a list and no plan. Here is a way to sort it, while you are still there and in the weeks after.
Updated
Write down what you saw, while it is fresh
Facts, not conclusions, with the day you noticed them. "Three bottles of the same pill, two unopened" is more useful to a doctor or a sibling than "she seems muddled".
- The house: food in the fridge, mail and bills piling up, the stove, the car, the stairs.
- Her: weight, how she walks and stands up, bruises she does not mention, how she is dressed.
- Her day: whether she still goes out, sees friends, answers the phone, keeps her appointments.
- Her medicines: what is on the counter, and whether the pill box matches the day.
- Conversation: a story told twice in an hour, a name she could not find, a worry that is new.
What should go to a doctor soon
Anything that changed quickly, a fall she had or nearly had, not eating, or confusion that comes and goes is worth a call to her own doctor this week, not in January. Ask her whether you may come to the appointment, or speak to the doctor, and sign whatever release the office needs while you are there.
If something looks dangerous right now, call 911. This page is not medical advice, and nothing here replaces her doctor's view of what you saw.
Talk to her before you leave
Not in the car to the airport, and not with everybody at the table. Pick one quiet moment and one thing, and ask rather than tell: "I noticed the mail is piling up. Is it getting to be a lot?" She knows more about her own week than you saw in four days.
Leave her the decisions she can make. People accept help they had a say in. How to bring up a daily call has more on the words that tend to work.
Tell your brothers and sisters what you saw
Whoever visited saw more than the ones who did not, and the first reaction from the others is often "she sounds fine on the phone". Share the written list, not a summary of how worried you are, and agree who does what next. Checking on a parent who lives far away has a simple way to split it.
Put the small things in place before you go home
- A neighbor or friend nearby with a key, who knows they are on the list.
- One sheet on the fridge: her doctors, medicines, allergies and who to call.
- A phone she can reach from her chair, charged and loud enough.
- A daily sign that she is fine, with somebody who notices the day it does not come.
The full checklist for a parent who lives alone goes through each one.
If a daily call is part of it, set it up while you are still in the house. Have the first call ring her phone with you sitting next to her, so she hears it with you in the room and can say what she would change. It works on her landline too.
What can wait for a calmer month
Moving house, care at home, money and legal papers are real questions, and none of them is decided well on the last evening of a holiday visit. Make a date to talk about them, after she has seen her doctor and after the family has compared notes.
Questions
- What changes should I look for when I visit my elderly parent?
- Food in the fridge, mail and bills piling up, how she walks and gets up, bruises, missed medicines, and whether she still goes out and sees people. Write down what you saw and when.
- What should I do first after noticing changes in my parent?
- Book her own doctor for anything that changed quickly, put a key with a neighbor, and agree with your siblings who does what next. Call 911 if anything looks dangerous right now.
- How do I bring it up without upsetting her?
- Pick one quiet moment and one thing, ask instead of telling, and leave her the decisions she can make herself.
- Can I set up a daily check-in call while I am visiting?
- Yes. You can have the first call ring her phone while you are with her, so she hears what it says and how short it is.