How to bring up a daily call with your parent

Make it about you, because it is

Most parents hear "I'm worried about you" as "I think you can't cope". It is more honest, and it lands better, to say what the call does for you: "I lie awake wondering if you're alright. This would let me stop." You are asking her for a favor, not telling her she needs help.

If there was a moment that started it, name it plainly. The afternoon nobody could reach her, the neighbor's fall, the week you were away. A real reason is easier to agree to than a general unease.

Say exactly what will happen

Vague plans sound bigger than they are. Be specific, and keep it short:

• A phone call at a time she picks, to the phone she already has. A landline is fine.
• It says good morning, asks how she is, and is usually over in about two minutes.
• It is an automated assistant, not a person, and it says so at the start of every call.
• If she does not pick up, it tries again, and then you are told. Nothing else happens.

That last point matters. Many parents imagine an ambulance arriving because they were in the bath. Tell her what really happens on a missed morning: you get a text, and you call her or a neighbor.

Leave her in charge of it

People accept what they can control. Let her decide as much as possible:

1. The time. After her coffee, after the news, before she goes out. It can be changed any day.
2. What it calls her. Mom, Margaret, Mrs. Hall. With Care you set the name it greets her by.
3. The voice. There are five to choose from, three women and two men, and the pace can be slowed down for her.
4. Whether it goes on. If she tells the call she does not want to be called any more, it stops calling her. Tell her that up front.

What parents usually say back

"I don't need anybody checking on me."

Agree with her. She probably does not need it most days. The call is for the one morning in a few hundred when something has gone wrong and nobody would otherwise know until evening.

"I don't want to talk to a machine."

Fair. Play her a sample, or have the call ring your own phone while she listens on speaker, so she hears how short and plain it is. Many people mind it less once they have heard it.

"It'll be a nuisance."

It is one call a day at a time she chooses. If she is going away, or ends up in hospital, the calls can be paused with an end date and start again on their own.

"You're spying on me."

Tell her what you will see: whether she picked up, and what she said in answer to the questions. Nothing is recorded as audio, there is no camera and nothing to wear. If she would rather some things were not passed on, talk about that too.

Ask, and take the answer seriously

Do not set it up behind her back. A call that surprises her will feel like being watched, and she will be right. Care's setup asks when you asked her and what she said, and the calls do not start without it.

If the answer is no, leave it for a few weeks. Often the answer changes after a winter, a fall in the family, or simply after she has thought about it on her own terms.

Try it together first

The easiest way to make it real is to hear the call on your own phone with her next to you. She hears the voice, the questions and how it ends, and she can say what she would change before it ever rings her own number.

Questions

What if my parent refuses a daily call?

Do not set it up anyway. Ask what bothers her about it, offer to change the time, the voice or how it greets her, and come back to it later. Care's setup asks for her agreement before any call starts.

Will she know it is not a real person?

Yes. Every Care call says at the start that it is an automated assistant calling for her family.

Can she stop the calls herself?

Yes. If she tells the call she does not want to be called any more, it stops calling her.

What does she need to do?

Only answer her phone. There is no app, no device and nothing to charge.